It is probably obvious that for many people studying and working at the same time is stressful. However, for some, going to work every day just becomes an unbearable burden.

When do you say I have had enough? Is it worth staying at work only because it is regarded as “good” and “serious”, even though you feel stressed and anxious?

I had just come back from a fantastic month-long trip to South Korea. It was a gift for myself for graduating from university and entering my Health Psychology master’s degree program. I had an experience of a lifetime with my boyfriend. We ate local food, climbed one of the highest mountains, and had fun dealing with the challenges of traveling on a budget. No matter how hard we tried to save money, it just went “puff”.

By the time we got back to Lithuania, we only had a few cents left. I tried to convince myself that “money comes and goes; you can always make more and the experience is invaluable”. However, I knew that once I am back, I would have to find a job. After a bit of search, I managed to secure one at a bank. I remember vividly the moment I found out about being hired. I was sitting in the corner of the library and at that time I quietly said “yay” on the phone, even though I wanted to scream: “I got the job!”. I didn’t expect to be hired with my poor English skills. So when I did, I started bragging to everyone about working at a “serious” company. During the training period, finding a healthy balance between studies and work wasn’t that hard... The manager was supportive, colleagues were friendly, the information I had to remember wasn’t challenging, but everything changed when the real work began.

My days became hectic, I was running errands non-stop. I think all working students relate to the difficulties of having a full-time job and doing academic work, at the same time. I thought that it would get better, so I kept telling myself that if others could do it, I could too.

I used to start working early in the morning, go to the university quickly during my work lunch break, and then return to the bank until late in the evening. And I still had to study for seminars and exams. I got so caught up in everything that I completely forgot myself. Every morning, on my way to work my whole body would freeze and feel strained as if every cell was sending signals to turn around. I felt anxious to make mistakes and since I felt nervous all the time, I made even more of them.

I was angry at myself and thought that I couldn’t do anything right. The idea of losing the job terrified me. I knew, it surely wasn’t a dream job but it was one I needed.

I was scared. I started to fear so many things, that fear had consumed me entirely. I was afraid I couldn’t find a better job, and even if I did, I would make the same mistakes. I thought about quitting, but I was petrified of social judgment. Instead of stepping up, I started to look for excuses and tried tricking myself into liking the job. After all, the salary was pretty good, there was an opportunity to climb up the corporate ladder, stability, paid work insurance, free, yet unused gym membership, etc. So I talked myself into going to the office a little longer.

However, the last straw was when I made a critical mistake because of my fatigue and carelessness. That day, at a convenience store with my boyfriend, I broke down. I couldn’t stop crying and mumbling something that was impossible to understand. It finally came to a point where I asked myself: “Should I sacrifice my well-being for this so-called “good” job at this so-called “amazing” company?”.

I had already been studying psychology for 5 years and despite all the theoretical knowledge, accepting an imperfect self was a challenge for me. I had to accept that in case I quit my job, I would be a subject to criticism by those around me. I was scared but I had to befriend my fears. Losing a job you can’t stand isn’t the end of the world, is it? It would be wonderful if our resources were limitless but they are not. Sometimes we just need to take a break.

When I left work and gathered my belongings, I felt relief in my body, as if a heavy burden had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could finally breathe. As I left, I smiled, and I was happy with my decision. I didn’t know what awaited me in the future, but I was ready to face any upcoming challenges and kept thinking about spending my time reading, dreaming, creating, or just relaxing with a cup of coffee.

I never regretted my decision. It was a great opportunity for me to relax and learn a bit more about myself and what I wanted from life. I have a different job now. I will admit that I still feel anxious and I still find it hard sometimes to stop thinking about work when I get home, but I feel much better than before and that’s the key indicator for me that I made the right decision.

So, let me paraphrase Eminem a little bit: even when your palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on your sweater already, mom's spaghetti and you just want to run away and hide. Don’t be afraid to make changes!

Author: Angelina Riabinskytė

Illustrations: Austė Dzikaraitė