Have You Ever Questioned Your Existence?

When I was a child, I would often see my cousin playing the game of Sims. I still remember the frustration when I realised - it is possible to exist, like a Sims avatar; however, someone would be in total control of our every life decision. I felt enormous empathy for those avatars who had no idea their lives were led by gamers. Concerned for Sims avatars, 4-year-old me asked my mom a question about existence: “Mom, do we really exist, or is our life someone’s video game?”

Since that day, my mom started viewing me as someone who is less practical, a daydreamer, and rather philosophical for her age. So, that’s how I was labeled from early on. Her views of me transcended into the expectations she unintentionally set for me. Those perceptions and expectations had a huge impact on my major career choices in life. I’ll tell you my story – how I fought against the expectations of the world toward me by starting to question my existence, the purpose of life, and sticking to the direction towards introspection.

For as long as I can remember, my main passions have been acting, philosophy, and psychology. Even as a 5-year-old, I would get creative with my friends and put on theatrical performances I had directed. As I grew into my teen years, I spent nights reading Wittgenstein, Plato, Nietzsche, Jung, or Freud. I was quick to get into the philosophical debates provoking my friends to start questioning their beliefs and fixed views. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

However, there was an issue. Everyone around me had repeatedly told me that I needed to be practical and that my interests wouldn’t provide me later in life. So, from the very beginning, I started getting used to the toxic idea that all of my passions were hobbies and for my profession, I had to choose something more “pragmatic” and “realistic”. 

Upon finishing high school I received a full scholarship to study Social and Political Sciences in Georgia. At that time, I was considered a successful student. I had won debates, public speaking competitions, had gone to London as a participant in ESU International Public Speaking Competition, and got then invited to the U.S to represent my country with my speeches and presentations in front of American students, congressmen, senators, etc. People saw me as quite a successful and ambitious young lady who could do anything she desired. Although I might’ve been a winner, deep down, I felt like I was losing. Losing myself and so that, my life. I felt trapped in all those expectations and wanted to run away where I could find my real self and purpose.

 I headed to Berlin, to the city of freedom and transformation. This city allowed me to completely forget who I was and what I was expected to be. I started living as an independent entity who could start her life all over again and do whatever she wanted to. 

So I moved to Berlin to study North American Studies. It didn’t take me long to realize that studying history was not my thing. At all. Since the expectations set by my circle pushed me to study history, economics, politics, and everything ''serious'', I decided to switch to International Business and Management. Ironically, I successfully got into every university I applied for; however, success is not enough to find peace and harmony within yourself. Yet, peace and harmony are enough to find strength in yourself. Then, I realized a paradox-oftentimes, giving up is the only way to win. 

This realization changed my life.  I decided to take a gap year and dedicate all this time to introspection and focusing only on one question- If eventually, I lost everyone I loved and ended up all alone, what would give me the energy of love? As life is full of unpleasant surprises, we need a passion that will never leave us alone. The passion that will guard us through our darkest days and will give us the energy of love.  

So, I started looking for love in me. What did I love in me? What were my talents I loved? And I realized the parts of yourself you love the most are never visible but feelable. They are as natural to you as breathing – We need to breathe to survive, and we need to follow our passion to thrive. The thing you do pleasurably, effortlessly, and without any expectations, is your passion. Loving without any expectations and benefits is the highest form of love. Giving yourself to occupation without any expected benefits is your life purpose. Your life purpose is the highest form of love.

I dedicated one year to find my truest, highest form of love by listening to every sense and every thought of mine. They say you find what you seek, so I found my love, my passion, and myself. Today, after so many years of feeling empty and lost, I can proudly say that I have unlearned the mindset the society programmed me into as a child. Now, I have finally learned to embrace my gifts.  After four years of switching from one major to another, I am still a freshman, but now, I am fulfilled.

 I finally decided to study psychology and build a group therapy community where I use my psychotherapy method infused with some acting techniques and exercises. It works wonders, and I am the happiest to see how the combination of my two passions has changed many people’s lives for the better. Today I am serving my purpose to help others to find their highest form of love. Today I feel peaceful and harmonious. Today I feel strong. And everything started from questioning my existence, getting up, fighting, and sticking to it. 

If you are standing where you don’t belong, if you feel lost and empty, but you think it’s too late for a change, I want to encourage you to get up and start leading the most fascinating path you can ever take in life- the path of introspection. - As above, so below, as within, so without, as the universe, so the soul.

Written by Manana Levashov-Tumanishvili

Illustrated by Beatrice Lambardt