INDRE KULaKAUSKAITE: HOW TO STOP FEELing LIKE A FAILURE

For the first What do people do? podcast we sat down to interview Indre Kulakauskaite (find the podcast on SPOTIFY & APPLE PODCASTS). I, the editor, met her a year ago when we both still lived in London. For two graduates trying to make a living by doing what they love London can be a very cruel place. We both struggled with money and the struggle bonded us. I remember times when we’d meet up at Kings Cross, go to a coffee shop, and spend pretty much our last pennies on a flat white. We were each other’s therapists - it felt comforting to know you’re not alone having no clue what you’re doing. Fast forward 5 years, we both live in Vilnius, have great careers, and have learned a few things about life. What are they? We found out during our conversation with Indre.

I remember, back in London, I came to your office once with a big bottle of wine. We talked about money and you told me you weren’t doing very well. You said that you owed thousands and tomorrow your debt was going to increase because you had to pay rent and salaries. You had no idea where to get the money from. Weren’t you scared?

I guess you get used to it. It is scary. It wasn’t just one month that I couldn’t pay rent. I think for about two years, with a couple of exceptions, I didn’t know how I would pay the rent at the end of the month. I don’t know how we survived and we had a pretty good life in London. I wasn’t hungry or anything. But we also found our ways around. Networking parties for example. They feed you, give you alcohol. It’s perfect! The whole situation makes you look for answers and solutions. I read this quote once- “ Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional”. Bad things are going to happen in your life, regardless of who you are. Even if you are the queen of England, something can go wrong. That is a pain but to suffer is kind of your decision. It is a choice. 

You moved to London to start this huge company. Can you tell me the whole story?

I moved to London not because of that. It just happened. Two friends and I, one of them being my boyfriend, just set it up. I think it was part of my imposter syndrome. I felt like I had no idea what I wanted to do in life. I didn’t think I was good at anything specific. So I saw starting my own business with my boyfriend as an opportunity to kickstart my career. I thought at least he couldn’t fire me. I thought nobody else in London would hire me because I’m useless. I had all these negative thoughts running through my head. I had this idea that I was a failure even before I started. I didn’t even try to find a job because I thought I would fail anyway. 

And you owed a lot of money…

A couple of thousands, or even more. But that’s fine. People finish universities with huge debts. I went to quite a good university and I learned so much but the most important things that I know now, I learned through doing. Actually going, doing, and making phone calls taught me loads about life. 

Indre, you quit the business in London. How did you get the courage to stand up and just leave? Did you have a conversation and said “We should stop this?!”

Basically, I realized it was time for me to leave. I wanted to try something new. I wanted to take holidays from doing my own business and try to work for someone else for a change. I needed to take a break from challenging questions like, how to pay for the office? How to distribute salaries?

I love what you just said. You decided to take holidays and instead of travelling, you got a stable job. 

Yeah, that for me meant going on a holiday. It actually gives you a moment to think and breathe. You have time to ask yourself- What do I want to do next?  

Also, I love watching other people, it is inspiring for me to see how others are doing what they love. Seeing their passion made me want to be in their place.

Have you ever experienced burnout? If so, how does it look for you, this burnout.

I surely have experienced one. During the burnout, you have this apathy for everything. You just lose interest in things going on around. You hate your day time job because it takes energy from you and then you do not have any power for your side hustles and “evening jobs, “ which doesn’t pay you a salary yet. Thus, you are limited in your capabilities and desires to leave the day time job. I am sure everyone has been there and experienced this so-called “burnout.”

My approach to diminish the burnout was to start taking things easy with my side projects and for a while focus on my day time job until I felt like I was thirsty to continue what I loved doing. However,  I never want to go back to the struggling phase. 

You just mentioned that at the beginning when you moved to London you had this huge impostor syndrome and thought nobody would hire you. Then, when you were actually working for a company and later decided to quit, they wanted you so badly that they proposed financial support for you to work remotely from Bali.

That was very flattering for someone who has impostor syndrome but even despite that, you think that they want to have you just out of pity. I don’t suffer from impostor syndrome as much now, but when I start working on a new project and I have to do things I haven’t done before I still have to google. At the end, you just do it and everyone is happy. I would never like my impostor syndrome to go away, It makes me a better and a more humble person. It motivates me to always keep trying. If I thought I was best at everything I would never make any progress. 

To hear the full conversation with Indre, listen to the -What do people do? podcast episode “How to sleep feeling like a failure” on SPOTIFY & APPLE PODCASTS.